ongoing thoughts

Throughout the trip, my mind raced with reflections of the past and the present. Despite my attempts to focus, memories and my current circumstances played on repeat, like a song stuck in a loop.

I turned my gaze to the window, hoping to find solace in the beauty of the countryside. For a brief moment, I managed to escape the turbulent events and ongoing stresses. The lush greenery around me offered a sense of calm, while the captivating formations of the sky provided intermittent distractions, inviting my imagination to wander.

What occupies my thoughts, like a broken record? Firstly, it’s family—particularly my brother, who has taken on the role of a victim. I discovered only last December that he has benefitted significantly from our father's remaining wealth. I’ve sent substantial amounts of money every month to support the property, and even in his absence, I’ve done my best to cover what was needed. In the end, we lost the property, yet he continued to benefit from using the building without offering any help. I ended up losing, blinded by my own perceptions.

Secondly, I find myself contemplating whether to remain in this beautiful country. If I choose to stay, who will support me when retirement arrives and my income diminishes? I feel drawn to return home and cultivate a garden to keep myself engaged, but I worry about managing it alone and feeling safe, far from the city where my siblings and friends reside. Perhaps I will need to travel back and forth.

There’s much more to consider, but I write these thoughts down to capture my feelings during what should be a vacation, yet often feels more burdensome. For now, I seek guidance and hold onto the hope that the right moment will come when I can finally find peace and happiness.