navigating my feelings of inadequacy

I've been reflecting on why I am so sensitive to many aspects of life. This sensitivity feels like my waterloo, impacting both my personal and professional experiences.

I don’t merely observe; I stare at the injustices that others often overlook. I don’t just hear; I listen deeply to the heart-wrenching stories of rejection and lost loves that people share. I don’t merely taste; I devour the rich narratives that are woven by those around me. I don’t simply feel; I embrace emotions fully, allowing them to envelop me. Consequently, I often find myself feeling exhausted, lost, and lacking a sense of purpose.

I find it incredibly easy to feel down as I constantly compare my situation to those of others. I often ask myself why it seems like everything is stacked against me or why life feels so unfair—both for myself and for those around me. I question why some people seem to receive so much more, while even when I give my all, I feel like I end up with the least. Is this some form of karmic punishment? Have I been a bad person in the past? Am I being petty for feeling this way?

Here are a few examples to illustrate my thoughts. In my workplace, many of my colleagues can leave early due to incoming rain or traffic, while I remain and when I question the system, I was told to stopped asking. I also grapple with the disparities in our salaries while assigned more workload, despite being told repeatedly that race or colour isn't a factor. Additionally, I wonder why I have to work harder in life, while observing my siblings seemingly enjoying a life of comfort.

When I think back to my younger days, I remember feeling like I received nothing from my dad. While he showered my siblings with the best toys and experiences, I often didn’t even have an allowance to buy materials for a school project.

There was a stark contrast during family celebrations; we celebrated my sister’s 18th birthday in style, skipped my 21st entirely, and then hosted a grand party for my younger brother’s 21st. Despite my siblings having to repeat grades after failing their subjects while I consistently excelled as an honour student with high academic achievements, my siblings were even sent for their holidays at my aunt’s house in the cool climate of Baguio.  I was left at home to help with household chores and work in the family restaurant. The highlight of this unfairness was the fact that I was denied support to continue my studies in a private school, which topped all the inequities. 

Throughout my life, I've frequently found myself caught in a web of comparisons, constantly measuring myself against those around me. I often wonder why I seem to be the last to grow and why I struggle with feelings of unhappiness.

It feels as though my current life mirrors the experiences of my past, creating a vicious cycle that I can't seem to escape. I often feel like a victim of unfair treatment, trapped in a pattern that leaves me questioning my worth and progress.